Can you do it?

confidenceWhat can you do? I’m betting you can lots and lots of things. How is it you can do some things so easily, yet for other things it feels difficult or impossible? My belief is it is limited thinking that stops us reaching for something we don’t believe we can have or feel deserving of. Why do we deserve some things and yet feel we don’t deserve other things? Who makes this judgement? who decides what we can and can’t have. It is us! We ourselves set our limits of what we think we are capable of. This is a good thing because that means ultimately we have some control. When we get out of our own way, we are capable of so much more. We can do, have, be the things we want in our lives when we decide our limiting beliefs are false and unhelpful.

I accept I cannot just jump in the cockpit of a plane and fly up high into the sky, but I do know that if this is something I really wish to do, then I have the capacity to learn how to do it. I could take flying lessons. If I wanted to swim the channel, then I could train really hard until I am able to do so. I also admit that from time to time I believe my limiting thoughts, especially when it seems things happen to support these limiting beliefs. The reality is though, no thought is real until we make it so. If a limiting thought like ‘I’m failing at this’ pops into my head (as the evidence around me seems to support this thought), then this becomes my belief and likely as not I’ll give up, get frustrated and wear the badge of failure, which then becomes my reality, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you like. Yes this happens sometimes and I have to then look at things from a different perspective and not accept my negative thoughts as true.

What I find most helpful is sharing my thoughts with those wise people around me, who will hold up a mirror and show me how my thinking either good or bad creates my reality. When I am stuck in unhelpful thinking I can’t always see the wood for the trees and so get fixed in to my thoughts which limit me, hold me back or derail me, which in turn can damage my confidence or self-esteem.  This is what being human is sometimes, but often turning to our friends, family, a coach or therapist can hold up that mirror so we can start to see past our limited thinking into all the things that are possible for us.

If you are having trouble getting out of your own way, find the people around you who will help you the most, or I can help you to turn things around. The important thing is to take some sort of action to get past any limitations on your hopes and dreams, so these become your reality.

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What am I here to do?

541314_442310279148274_1734058679_nI still do not know this answer to this! Do you know what you are here to do? I thought I was here to nurse the sick so I trained and became a nurse. I did enjoy my nursing days but something was pulling me away. I helped my Dad by managing a shop he had bought and again quite enjoyed this but we were hit by recession and profits dropped to an unsustainable level. I went back to nursing but this time in the private sector where I worked with women with chronic illness and I really did love working there. Again I felt a pull away and this time to do agency nursing, get married and have my children. Whilst they were young I was a practice nurse for a short while and then went to work in Public Health. Here I stayed for 19 years and although I enjoyed this, was promoted and earning quite well, this time I ignored the pull, or the itchy feet as I called it then, as I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone. Then a remarkable set of events happened where I found myself in severe conflict with my manager and other senior managers and eventually was made redundant. So much for ignoring the ‘pull’ and although I won’t go into detail, to say this was a difficult time was an understatement. Close to breaking point I needed to do something else and the pull was towards coaching and then hypnotherapy. As a business owner, I recognise I am not a natural. I can coach and I can use hypnotherapy to help others with outstanding results, but as a business women I am not so great. So have I now found my true calling? I’m not so sure and ponder on the possibility that all the things I have done and continue to do are leading me somewhere else. Maybe I am fickle or have a low boredom threshold, or maybe I am on a journey to pick up and learn more about how to help others. Maybe I am one of those people who are not meant to stay in one niche. I do know that I don’t know and although at times this can make me feel insecure it also holds so much intrigue and promise for the future. Not playing safe and not standing still certainly takes me out of my comfort zone but I’d like to think it is all about the journey and not the destiny. I am learning to trust ‘the unknown’ because on some level I know I will be safe and despite any turbulence around me, most of the time I feel grounded and purposeful, but mostly I have a deeper peace and happiness which is not affected by any uncertainty.

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Victim Power!

11174980_10205544322620250_3000238729209709275_nWe’ve all been there, the ‘victim’ the sufferer, the holder of the burden torch, got the video, baseball cap and worn the t-shirt. Some people have worn that particular t-shirt in a full range of colours for so long, they don’t know how to be anything else.

Some people actually enjoy wearing the victim t-shirt and here’s some of the reasons why:

  • People feel sorry for them and give them attention
  • It can increase their feeling of self-importance
  • Is used as an excuse for not achieving things (I would have done it if so and so had given me more support)
  • Allows them, by blaming others, to not take responsibility for their own lives.

‘I’m the result of upbringing, class, gender, social prejudices and economics. So I’m a victim again. A result – James Hillman.

Some of us merely dip in and out of ‘victim mode.’ But when we have, what has been the consequences both to us and those around us? What about the people you know who are well and truly stuck in victim mode? What happens in their lives as a result?

Where are you right now? Here are some questions to ponder:

  1. Which person has the biggest influence on your life?
  2. Who deserves the most credit or blame for where you are currently in life?
  3. Whose advice and opinions to you tend to always act upon?

You may listen to  the advice and opinions of others, but ultimately the biggest single factor which determines where you are right now is YOU.

Start taking off the victim t-shirt by removing the ‘victim language’. Choose more empowering language. The way you think and talk to yourself significantly impacts on what actions you take. Although you cannot control what happens in life you can control how you respond, so look for solutions, what you can learn and how you can adapt, change or accept what has happened. Taking personal responsibility frees you from the trap of blaming, complaining and resenting, so regain control of your life by jumping back in the driving seat instead of being the passenger.

Change does not happen when circumstances improve; change happens when you decide to improve your circumstances!

There is nothing and no-one who can stand in your way, once you have made a commitment to yourself to succeed. No matter what challenges you may face, remind yourself they are bumps in the road not a blue print for the rest of your life.

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Love what you do for you!

10441146_10152613502122264_6641620308395251577_nIt’s great to be a person that gives to others but what is your motivation for doing so. Is it to get approval, to be liked, to be needed or because you don’t know how to say no? When you give to someone it should be because it makes you feel good – you are getting a lot of pleasure from it and not just so you are pleasing the other person. To make your own life better you should choose to do what you want to do, not what you feel you ‘must’ or ‘ought’ to do. Don’t be afraid to say no to something you don’t want to do. It is not being selfish but taking good care of your physical and mental wellbeing.

Be straight with people by not saying yes to things and then have to feel obliged to carry the burden and resentment when you could have quite easily said no, sorry can’t do that. Those people who constantly do the bidding of others tend to feel resentful, trapped, undervalued and are quite likely to experience burn out. This in turn can have an impact on their physical health with tiredness, low mood, aches and pains and a lowered resistance to bugs and infections.

The person that does as much as they can for everyone else will likely find when they themselves need help and support, no-one steps up and this in turn leads to a sense of feeling unloved or not cared about which can impact on confidence and self-esteem. So please do think about why you are so keen to help out and look after everyone else whilst neglecting your own needs, because if it doesn’t make you feel happy and fulfilled when you give so much to others then you need to start putting yourself first.

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My friend Jaz

10885057_10152870818157088_8971959155496302175_nJaz is  a three year old rescue dog from The Dog’s Trust in Wickford. I had wanted a dog for a long time but I was working full time and there would be no-one home for most of the day. When my circumstances changed I took the decision to finally get a dog. I went to visit the Trust and knew I wanted a Border Collie. My childhood dog Shep was a black and white collie and he was amazing, intelligent, gorgeous and a real bringer of joy.

There was one black and white collie called Finn. He was six years old and handsome. I enquired about him and after much discussion with a member of staff, Finn was deemed not suitable. To say I was disappointed was an understatement but I took their advice and agreed to come back in a few days as I was assured they regularly have many Collies coming over from Ireland.

Long story short, I looked around and initially overlooked Jaz. I started to actually read the descriptions on each dog and saw that Jaz was a collie (not black and white but what is called Blue Merl). She was running in and out and as I stood there waiting for her to come back in I saw her gorgeous face and somehow knew she was the one!

As I have cats, she was brought for a visit and the good girls she is, she completely ignored the cats. The cats however, were not so impressed. After a few visits to get to know her a bit better we brought her home.

Now they say you get the dog you need rather than the one you want. Well I hit the jackpot, she was both. It didn’t take long for the cats to ‘get over her presence’ and soon they were all quite friendly with each other.

Jaz did not fare well whilst at the Trust and lost so much weight you could feel every bone in her spine. Although they love and care for all the dogs some of them can’t hack being there and Jaz clearly couldn’t cope. So it was good to get her home. Unfortunately Jaz had a bad case of Kennel cough, so we had to take her back to see their vet and although she behaved impeccably the look in her face and particularly her eyes, nearly broke my heart as she must have thought we were taking her back for good. I couldn’t get her away from their quick enough just to show her we were never going to leave her.

My husband was not keen to get a dog, but knew how much I wanted one, so agreed to us having one. Now my husband adores her and she adores him, they are always cuddling up on the sofa and he lets her lick his hands and face as much as she wants to whereas I don’t like being licked.

She sleeps on her own bed in our bedroom but often gets invited by my eldest daughter to sleep on her bed in her room. Jaz shows us how devoted to us she is and we do the same to her.

She loves playing with a ball and will if we let her keep it up for hours. I take her out for at least an hour and half each day and one of her favourite games is heading a football and dribbling it back to me. So if you ever see a mad woman playing football, keepy uppy, and goalie, that will be me with my friend Jaz.

 

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Dealing with difficult people

1613930_708048709237996_2046287498_nWe all know them, they are all around us and during our lowest moments we may be them. Here are my tips on how to manage difficult people.

  • First of all keep your cool, maintain your self control and don’t try to resist them as this will inflame their own resistance
  • Realise the behaviour is not really about you even if you are in the line of fire and it feels like it is.
  • Don’t judge their behaviour but look behind what might be causing it, but don’t make assumptions. Ask about their issue(s) and make sure you are really listening. People often feel frustrated, angry and destructive when they feel they are not being heard or understood.
  • Try to see things from their perspective without having to agree with their point of view, but understanding their perspective will give you an opportunity to give them a different and more empowering perspective.
  • Enabling them to see things from a different perspective will empower them to make better choices and see the benefits for themselves in changing their behaviour.
  • If someone is in a rant, you can break their state by asking them a random, unrelated question. This will throw them off track and give you the opportunity to take a proactive rather than a reactive approach.
  • Adopt a relaxed posture, breathe slowly and deeply and the person will start to subconsciously mirror you, which in turn will calm them down.
  • Concentrate your energy on problem solving and not buying into their behaviour.
  • Ultimately depending on how important this person is in your life i.e family member, manager, person you have to work with, you can always decide this is ‘not my monkey’ and walk away.
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Mind Your Language

 

 

1604698_667346416655358_1567657934_nDid you know the English language contains approximately 750,000 words? It has the largest amount of words than any other language in the world today. German is a distant second with about half as many words.

Yet our vocabulary is surprisingly limited with the average person using between 2,000 and 10,000 words. We only therefore use between 1% and 2% of the language. Worst yet most us use more negative words than positive ones.

‘A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words, the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt’  – Mark Twain

Most people are not concerned by the lack of vocabulary, but more from the words they choose to use. Many of the words we use convey distinct emotional outcomes, like using the word hate. This word intensifies a negative emotional state. So rather than hating something it is less negatively impactful to us and those we are addressing to say I prefer something else. Using highly emotionally charged words can transform your state or someone else’s very quickly.

Throughout our history, our greatest leaders have used the power of the spoken word to transform our emotions and ‘really hear’ the message they are conveying. Think of Martin Luther King’s speech…..I have a dream. He used positive words and phrases to move us to act positively to change racial hatred and inequality, rather than using hateful, bitter words that would anger and embitter us.

Most beliefs can be changed by words  and words can be changed by our beliefs. Using positive and empowering words can heighten our most powerful emotions just as using negative words can devastate us.

If we recognise the power that our words have and use them wisely we can transform our own lives and the lives of those around us. So take notice of the common words you regularly use and if they are negative try using new and more empowering words to describe yourself and what you are feeling to make sure it is pulling you in the right direction, rather than dragging you or others down further.

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